Angry Puppy

Inspired by a recent Rock Band 2 party (and our recent re-watching of Star Trek: DS9), we proudly present our favorite rock-adjacent cameos in sci fi, horror and fantasy.

As always, pick your top three, and if you think we overlooked someone, let us know in the comments. (Oh, and lest you think we forgot, honorable mention goes out to Marilyn Manson for appearing as a porn star in Lost Highway.)

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At long last, we present our list of the 9 Greatest Gay and Bi Female Characters in Sci-Fi/Geekdom. As usual, pick your top three and let us know in the comments where you think we got it right and where we got it wrong.

#9 - Maxine Lund (Being John Malkovich)
We knew from the opening moments in which we met her, hunched over as she dodged the low ceilings of LesterCorp, that this hard-edged, no-nonsense babe had a buried heart of gold. Watching her transformation from manipulatrix to heart-warming lesbian mom is one of the best things in a film that’s loaded with best things. It’s also fun watching her try to grasp who it is exactly that she’s in love with in this highly complex gender-blending story.

#8 - Mystique (X-Men comics)
We’ve seen so many iterations of her over the years that it’s hard to know who’s the real Mystique. But then, that’s the point of the character, isn’t it? It was (barely) clear from the beginning that Mystique had a special relationship with Destiny. That was unusual enough in the early 80’s but even today she’s one of the few bisexual characters in mainstream comics. She certainly qualifies as interesting - good, bad, who knows what the hell she wants? And, of course, Rebecca Romijn stole the show with her portrayal in the X-Men films; too bad the bisexuality didn’t carry over.

#7 - Inara Serra (Firefly)
While we never had the chance to find out whether Inara was bisexual by preference or just professionally, we dig her cool, gorgeous Companion self. We didn’t meet many other of these highly respected courtesans, but we can’t imagine that very many of them were as beautiful or as well grounded as Inara, the rock in the Firefly storm.

#6 -  Rear Admiral Cain (Battlestar Galactica)
While not exactly the most pleasant officer in the colonial fleet, Cain was unquestionably a great character, who so brilliantly illustrated how the story of the Galactica could have turned out with a different personality at the helm. She meant well for her crew, and even the future of humanity, but somewhere along the way she crossed, well, a few lines. But, damn, was she entertaining! Re-live Admiral Cain’s downfall (in a nutshell) set to “The Imperial March” from Star Wars in this clip. ‘Cause, um, why not?

#5 -  Jadzia Dax (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine)
OK, we’re obsessed. We admit it. Setting aside the tremendous honor we bestowed upon her earlier this year, we also love the way her character is written. Jadzia is given dialog and reactions that a male character would traditionally get, and Terry Farrell delivers both with ease. We love that she’s a big ol’ science geek, and she’s the no-nonsense friend to everyone in the universe’s favorite space mall.

#4 -  Æon Flux (Æon Flux)
As with Mystique, we should specify that this is the bisexual Æon Flux of the animated series and not the non-bisexual character of the live-action film. We love both, but no live actors could move like our favorite lanky terrorist no matter how much CGI is thrown at them. Æon Flux is not a little scary, but she’s cool as hell. Not only do we wish we could move like her, we also wish we could pull off that outfit.

#3 - Number Six (Battlestar Galactica)

Anyone whose spine glows red during a three-way with Baltar and Xena is an instant winner in our book. And, my gods, she’s hot. I mean HOT. Yes, we totally see how Baltar became a party to the near-genocide of the human race for this woman. In fact, if anyone’s going to turn us straight it’s Six. And we’ll take any of them. Or better yet, several of them.

#2 - Hazel McNamara and Foxglove (Sandman)

We love so many things about this pair, who are just a hair’s breadth away from being the greatest lesbian characters in our favorite genres, but we mostly love how real they are. Hazel and Foxglove aren’t superhuman or extraordinary, but their lives are repeatedly intertwined with what neighbor Barbie’s former housemate Rose once referred to as “weird shit”. Watching their relationship progress over the life of the Sandman series was awesome in the early 90’s when authentic LGBT characters in comics were unheard of. But the real treat was their center-stage involvement in the two Death spinoff series. Kudos, Mr. Gaiman, and thank you for the many years of terrific lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans characters!

#1 - Willow Rosenberg (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Oh, like you’re surprised. After taking second place here, we’re so excited to give Willow a long-deserved #1 position in one of our many silly lists. Both computer geek AND mega-powerful witch, Willow rocks our world on so many levels we don’t know where to begin. She’s cute, she’s smart, she’s magic, she makes her own fun, and she can make her girlfriend float in the air during musical numbers about having sex. She even has an evil, sadistic dominatrix twin in another dimension (with hands in new places!) who was bisexual long before Willow met Tara. We’re so glad her adventures are continuing in the Buffy comics and look forward to being under her spell for years to come.

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To this day, I can’t hear the Star Wars theme without humming under my breath, “Star Wars! Nothing but Star Wars!”

In honor of that clip, I found some other sci-fi themes that friendly neighborhood geeks have added words to.

If Björk ever does another Medúlla-style album, she should hire this next guy. Check out his a capella Battlestar Galactica theme:

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You’ll have to forgive us if we get a little worked up about this one. Some of these films, shows and franchises are passionate favorites, and the miscasting of a few of the roles isn’t so much a reflection on the actors themselves as it is on the people behind the decisions.

As always we want to know what you think. Do you agree with the below, have we overstated any of this, or is there anyone we missed?

Drop us a comment - we want to know!

#10 - James Marshall as James Hurley (Twin Peaks)
Poor James and Donna were always the weak points of this otherwise completely engaging series. But while Lara Flynn Boyle brought life to the alternatingly bookish and naughty Donna Hayward, James Marshall had nothing to offer us beyond confused looks and blank stares. And when confronted by rival Bobby Briggs, this supposedly hard-assed biker looked about to burst into tears.

#9 - Ben Affleck as Daredevil (Daredevil)
Wait, wait. Stop laughing a second. Seriously. Seriously, we’re not done yet. Get this: Ben Affleck, as Daredevil, in a red leather jumpsuit (which was also poorly cast).

#8 - Timothy Dalton as James Bond (The Living Daylights, License To Kill)
While we can’t fault Dalton for these two unfortunate entries in the near-perfect franchise (excepting these two films and, of course, Diamonds Are Forever), he didn’t exactly help. It’s not that Dalton is a bad actor. After all, he brought life to Flash Gordon’s Prince Barin and was great fun in last year’s Hot Fuzz. He’s just too severe and has the wrong energy to pull off Bond. Bond fans love to joke about George Lazenby’s shortcomings, but we have to respectfully disagree. Lazenby, like the other Bonds before and after him, brought character to the role. Dalton doesn’t quite pull it off.

#7 - Avery Brooks as Captain Sisko (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine)
There isn’t really a nice way to say this. Brooks is kind of painful to watch in this role. We love the other characters, the stories, the scripts, and pretty much everything else about the series. Some of the better directors were able to tone Brooks down enough that we could concentrate on his words, as opposed to his ranting, emotional tantrums and/or gnashing of teeth. But when he wasn’t held in check we found ourselves constantly hoping a Jem’Hadar would jump out from behind his baseball with a phased polaron weapon just to shut the guy up.

#6 - Dwayne Johnson as Boxer Santaros (Southland Tales)
A bunch of stuff needed fixing in this film, sure. But The Rock was the most glaring distraction. I read somewhere that it was his own idea that his character should be nervously wringing his hands throughout the film. Thanks for that distracting bit of realism Dwayne, because hulking muscle-bound action stars are always nervously fretting away in the corner when faced with the least bit of danger or confusion.

# 5 - Halle Berry as Storm (X-Men films)
Do you know what happens to a toad when it gets struck by lightning? Apparently blank disinterested stares coupled with the deadpan delivery of an overrated actress sounding like she’s struggling to remember one of maybe ten lines in the whole damn film. Sorry for the uncharacteristic bitchiness on our part, but Storm is one of the best characters in the history of the franchise and there have to be a hundred actresses who could have delivered this performance. Sigh. Our dream of seeing Grace Jones bringing Storm to life goes unfulfilled.

#4 - Keanu Reeves as Constantine (Constantine), Neo (The Matrix), Johnny Mnemonic (Johnny Mnemonic), Jonathan Harker (Bram Stoker’s Dracula), and Jack-be-Nimble in the 1986 TV movie Babes in Toyland, also starring Drew Barrymore, with Pat Morita as the Toymaster
We’re not being entirely fair with Reeves here; the problem isn’t so much the casting as the fact that he’s just a terrible actor. But we think he can pull off a role when he plays his dopey, silly self (Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Dangerous Liaisons, My Own Private Idaho). The worst transgression on the list is his casting in Constantine. We’re not sticklers for details, but seriously, if you’ve ever read the books, if you’ve just read half an issue, hell, if you’ve no more than glanced at the cover of Hellblazer, then you know what an egregious choice this was.

#3 - Scott Bakula as Captain Archer (Star Trek: Enterprise)
To be fair, this was not the best written of the Star Trek series, and at least Bakula didn’t overheat and spurt out dramatic outbursts à la Avery Brooks. But the larger problem with his Captain was that his personality made the role nonsensical to the point of constant distraction. We blame the writing for the character’s insouciant naivete, but we blame Bakula for delivering every line as though he were talking down to children and idiots. It’s hard to imagine why every character he encountered didn’t slap the guy across the face for his patronizing tone. Couldn’t they have recast the dog in his role? At least he was cute.

#2 - Nicolas Cage as Ghost Rider (Ghost Rider)
This is just strange. Here’s a guy in his forties, looking like he’s in his sixties, playing what we’re assuming is meant to be a guy in his late twenties or early thirties. We’re not sure exactly what went wrong here, but we suspect it’s some combination of bad plastic surgery and our 47″ high def TV. Aside from the issue that he doesn’t look the part, Cage’s effortless generic delivery scores no points with what could have been an interesting role. It’s not that he’s a bad actor; he works pretty well in about every fourth film. But as charismatic action star / superhero? Not so much.

#1 - Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars II & III)
Does this really need explaining? Darth Vader was already one of the greatest characters in the history of film, and the prequels only added more layers of complexity to our favorite armored goth dude. Granted the prequels were a minefield of awkward scripting and irritating support characters, but the story held up pretty well. The benefit of stronger casting to both of the last films would have been incalculable. If you’re still not convinced, close your eyes and picture Christensen’s delivery of this line as though he were trying out for middle school drama club, “Don’t you see? We don’t have to run away anymore! I am more powerful than the Chancellor, I… I can overthrow him! And together, you and I can rule the galaxy!”

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Full disclosure: we’re not very good at being gays. We dress bad. We don’t like musicals. Only one of us is into Madonna (and we won’t say which one). But we love a snappy put-down and adore super bitchy, sassy characters, especially the ones in sci fi. We love the ones in horror films too but they tend to lead short screen lives and are fairly interchangeable, so for this list we look to our favorite sci fi tv, film, and comic characters.

#10 - Albert Rosenfield
Agent Rosenfield’s verbal onslaught in the Twin Peaks Sheriff’s Department goes down in TV history as one of the most gloriously mean-spirited, and yet so well-written.  To Sheriff Truman: “Aw look, it’s trying to think”. To good-natured deputy Andy: “Where do they keep your water bowl?” And he takes the second best punch in the face on television (right after Edina Monsoon’s facial assault on Saffy’s creepy, adulterous college professor).

#9 - Princess Vespa
Honestly it was a toss-up between her and her gold-plated sidekick and fellow Spaceball-fugitive Dot Matrix. In the end it came down to a question of volume, and Vespa is considerably louder. It takes a lot of chutzpah to badmouth your rescuers, and Vespa pulls it off, all the while channeling early Carrie Fisher at her most arrogant - pretty impressive your highness! Funny… she doesn’t look Druish.

#8 - Kai Winn
Of all the Star Trek incarnations, it’s Deep Space Nine that gave us our most favorite characters. It’s always a pleasure to see Louise Fletcher’s name in the opening credits because that means we’re getting a visit from Kai Winn Adami, our favorite sleazy religious leader / politician. Fletcher is a master of the subtle delivery, and it’s her deadpan tone and condescending smirk that worm their way into our nasty little hearts.

#7 - Eros
Who? Exactly… Those of you who sat through Plan 9 From Outer Space were eventually rewarded with one of the most inexplicably bizarre performances of the film, which is really saying a lot. Eros is the dude in the shiny space blouse who delivers entertaining physics lessons punctuated by bitchy rants featuring outbursts like “You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!” While we’re not entirely sure what’s going on with this guy, we can’t help but wonder what or who Dudley Manlove (yup) was thinking about when he channeled his frustration into these lines.

#6 - Emma Frost
The comics world’s poster child of bitchiness, and just a couple feathers away from achieving drag queen status, Emma Frost, aka The White Queen, is the former super-villain turned current X-man. Or X-person. Whatever the case, we couldn’t be happier with Joss Whedon’s run, under whose pen she delivered memorable lines like “Jean Grey is a sacred cow. At least we agree on half of that,” and, “Superpowers, a scintillating wit and the best body money can buy…and I still rate below a corpse.”

#5 - Dolores Umbridge
There are only so many literary characters that can really make us cringe, and Imelda Staunton’s flawless portrayal of the racist bureaucrat-turned-Defence against the Dark Arts teacher last year made us want to crawl under the theater seats. Umbridge’s endless manipulative rules, her haughty pissy demeanor, and those cutting quills - sick sick sick! Just picturing her is like nails on some kind of magic chalkboard… yeeesh.

#4 - Ruby Rhod
Sometimes it’s all in the attitude, and in that division, the prize goes to The Fifth Element’s Ruby Rhod, as played by Chris Tucker in leopard print velour. Meet the 23rd century’s loudest and bitchiest radio host, firing insults out of one side of his mouth and flirting shamelessly out of the other. We honor Ruby with the number four slot for his masterful bitchy multitasking! Bzz! BZZZZZZZ!

#3 - Glorificus
We have to turn to a god to find a level of bitchiness worthy of being this high up the list. But the Mighty Thor…? Not so bitchy. Fortunately Buffy villain Glory delivers. She’s fierce. She’s gorgeous. And she gets all the good lines, specifically “…this whole ‘beat you to death’ thing I’m doing? This is valuable time out of life I’m never gonna get back.” And upon meeting Spike, “What the hell is that? And why is its hair that color?”

#2 - Veruca Salt
Subtract six points off your score if you thought we meant the band. Actually we’re thinking of Julie Dawn Cole’s 1971 immortal version of our favorite bad egg. She wants the world and she wants it now, and Daddy better damn well whip out that wallet when her foot starts stamping or Veruca’s gonna shove another Oompa Loompa. God what a frakking bitch.

#1 - Palpatine
Leave it to the Dark Lord of the Sith, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Darth Sidious to reign supreme as the all-time bitchiest character in the history of science fiction. Slumped in his regal space throne in basic black, our king of catty remarks casually gushes bitchy sarcasm all over the dramatic climax of Return of The Jedi. Maybe he wouldn’t feel the need to make so many cutting remarks about other people’s friends if he spent just a little more time on his own personality and complexion. You have paid the price for your lack of vision, you catty bitch!

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