Angry Puppy

Originally published on AfterElton.com.

Science fiction offers a number of explicitly gay and bi female leading characters, leading transgender and/or gender-fluid characters, peripheral gay and bi male characters, and male leads who are hinted at being gay or bi. Think Willow, Tara and Kennedy (Buffy); Inara (Firefly); Admiral Cain and Number Six (Battlestar Galactica); Karma, Destiny and Mystique (X-Men); Jadzia Dax (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine); and Desire, Hazel, Foxglove and Wanda (Sandman).

Many lead male characters would qualify as bi or gay, requiring either their own expressed awareness of their sexual identity or significant enough mention by others.  Think Boone Carlyle (Lost), who was posthumously mentioned to be bi; Albus Dumbledore, outed outside the pages of Harry Potter; Angel and Spike (Buffy) acknowledging an unexplained past sexual relationship; and Jekyll and Hyde (The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), both implicitly gay or bi.

But even allowing for the broadest possible definition of “science fiction”, and even expanding the search across TV, film, comics, and video games, this isn’t an easy list to compile. One assumes that the folks behind the sci fi genre, depending on their audience of mostly young straight guys, are consequently timid about fronting their stories with lead gay men, yet comfortable offering lesbians, bi women, and trans characters who mostly have an “excuse,” e.g. alien physiology, shape-shifting, body swapping. Where are all the gay men in this often progressive and thought-provoking genre that otherwise so freely explores social issues in its safely buffered fantasy context?

Dear Star Trek, thanks for forty years of nothing. Yours truly, the Gays.

After scouring decades of major franchises and lesser-known titles, we came up with the following list of the greatest gay and bi male characters. Great characters are defined by the virtues of being unique, fascinating, and greatly significant. In the interest of making these qualities the true DNA of the list, we ignored qualities like fan favorites, sexiness and best gay representations.

#10 - Andrew Wells (Buffy the Vampire Slayer; TV & comics)

Barely qualifying is Andrew from the Buffy and Angel TV series and the current Buffy comics. Surprisingly, the famously gay-friendly series gave us this consistently inuendoed gay (or bisexual?) character, who, despite a wealth of references to his crush on fellow villain Warren and lack of interest in sexy Slayerettes, never quite acknowledges his own awareness of his sexuality, which is also seemingly ignored by the other characters. The geek-turned-villain-turned-good-guy scores points for delivering a lot of the best lines, turning what could have been a standard clichéd geek archetype into a three-dimensional and genuinely likeable queer sidekick. In its first printing, this list was picked up by fansite Whedonesque, where Joss Whedon himself weighed in on the controversy:

“Andrew’s sexuality is always on the cusp of self-awareness because Andrew is stunted emotionally and because it’s hilarious.”

Character Rating 9/10
Significance Rating 2/10
Originality Rating 5/10

#9 - The Cluracan (Sandman; comics)

1989 saw the birth of Neil Gaiman’s extraordinary and historic comic series, The Sandman, which aside from being a critical success and the only comic book to ever make the New York Times Bestseller List, was revolutionary for its time in its presentation of multiple positive LGBT characters. In addition to leading lesbian and transgender characters, The Cluracan was a frequently recurring minor character, though he scores big points for being endlessly fun and uncompromisingly gay in all his appearances. Based on the clurichaun, a drunk leprechaun of Irish folklore, this literal faerie and dashing rogue of Queen Titania’s court frequently indulges in his twin favorite pastimes of drinking and having sex. But, the principle theme of the series is that of storytelling and stories-come-to-life, and the Cluracan can spin a yarn like nobody’s business. Give him a couple drinks and he’ll entertain for as long as he’s conscious, charmingly admitting his own narcissism and tendency towards embellishment.

Character Rating 10/10
Significance Rating 4/10
Originality Rating 6/10

#8 - Parthenon, aka Dan Williams (Who Wants to Be a Superhero?; TV)

The gay contender in Season Two of Sci Fi Channel’s competitive reality series, Who Wants To Be A Superhero scores big points for being a real guy who managed to survive a long time in a reality show based on a genre that is historically not gay-friendly. Hopes were not high following the ousting of season one’s gay entry, Levity, in the pilot episode. Parthenon winning the chance to call his partner, and seeing this paralleled against a straight woman doing the same, was an awesome site to behold. Unfortunately, the character is a little heavy on the clichés: archaeologist finds ancient gauntlet whose gemstones provide superpowers.  Tights and cape ensue. While we love the big P’s generous and benevolent character, he’s gotta work out some better catchphrases than “Bling’s my thing” and “Rock on.”

Character Rating 5/10
Significance Rating 7/10
Originality Rating 3/10

#7 - Ianto Jones (Torchwood; TV)

Alas poor neglected Ianto. Any other sexy bisexual character on national television would be a gay household name, but the competition’s tough when most of the cast, including the lead, are also bi (not to mention sexy). Ianto’s role at Torchwood is intriguing; in addition to playing receptionist and chief coffee brewer, Ianto is also the clean-up guy who neatly disposes of alien kills and covers up team activities to keep the public and authorities from learning about Torchwood’s creepy and occasionally distasteful secrets. Early on we learn that Ianto has a nasty secret in the form of a half-Cyberman (evil cyborg) girlfriend that he’s keeping in the sub-basement of the Torchwood HQ. Needless to say, things don’t work out so well in the most bloody sense imaginable, and Ianto takes on a much less lethal sexual relationship with studly team leader Captain Jack Harkness.

Character Rating 7/10
Significance Rating 5/10
Originality Rating 7/10 Read the rest of this entry »

The original article at The Sun called it “Captain Jack’s Skipper Smooch”, but I like this title (which I found in the comments of the Whedonesque blog) better.

The pictures show John Barrowman (Captain Jack) and James Marsters (Spike from Buffy) from the upcoming Season 2 of Torchwood locked in a kiss, but it’s not clear to me that our favorite vampire-turned-rogue-agent is into it.  The first pic looks like he wants to be kissed (and who doesn’t when Captain Jack’s around?), but he seems to be pulling away in the second.

Thoughts?

Full disclosure: we’re not very good at being gays. We dress bad. We don’t like musicals. Only one of us is into Madonna (and we won’t say which one). But we love a snappy put-down and adore super bitchy, sassy characters, especially the ones in sci fi. We love the ones in horror films too but they tend to lead short screen lives and are fairly interchangeable, so for this list we look to our favorite sci fi tv, film, and comic characters.

#10 - Albert Rosenfield
Agent Rosenfield’s verbal onslaught in the Twin Peaks Sheriff’s Department goes down in TV history as one of the most gloriously mean-spirited, and yet so well-written.  To Sheriff Truman: “Aw look, it’s trying to think”. To good-natured deputy Andy: “Where do they keep your water bowl?” And he takes the second best punch in the face on television (right after Edina Monsoon’s facial assault on Saffy’s creepy, adulterous college professor).

#9 - Princess Vespa
Honestly it was a toss-up between her and her gold-plated sidekick and fellow Spaceball-fugitive Dot Matrix. In the end it came down to a question of volume, and Vespa is considerably louder. It takes a lot of chutzpah to badmouth your rescuers, and Vespa pulls it off, all the while channeling early Carrie Fisher at her most arrogant - pretty impressive your highness! Funny… she doesn’t look Druish.

#8 - Kai Winn
Of all the Star Trek incarnations, it’s Deep Space Nine that gave us our most favorite characters. It’s always a pleasure to see Louise Fletcher’s name in the opening credits because that means we’re getting a visit from Kai Winn Adami, our favorite sleazy religious leader / politician. Fletcher is a master of the subtle delivery, and it’s her deadpan tone and condescending smirk that worm their way into our nasty little hearts.

#7 - Eros
Who? Exactly… Those of you who sat through Plan 9 From Outer Space were eventually rewarded with one of the most inexplicably bizarre performances of the film, which is really saying a lot. Eros is the dude in the shiny space blouse who delivers entertaining physics lessons punctuated by bitchy rants featuring outbursts like “You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!” While we’re not entirely sure what’s going on with this guy, we can’t help but wonder what or who Dudley Manlove (yup) was thinking about when he channeled his frustration into these lines.

#6 - Emma Frost
The comics world’s poster child of bitchiness, and just a couple feathers away from achieving drag queen status, Emma Frost, aka The White Queen, is the former super-villain turned current X-man. Or X-person. Whatever the case, we couldn’t be happier with Joss Whedon’s run, under whose pen she delivered memorable lines like “Jean Grey is a sacred cow. At least we agree on half of that,” and, “Superpowers, a scintillating wit and the best body money can buy…and I still rate below a corpse.”

#5 - Dolores Umbridge
There are only so many literary characters that can really make us cringe, and Imelda Staunton’s flawless portrayal of the racist bureaucrat-turned-Defence against the Dark Arts teacher last year made us want to crawl under the theater seats. Umbridge’s endless manipulative rules, her haughty pissy demeanor, and those cutting quills - sick sick sick! Just picturing her is like nails on some kind of magic chalkboard… yeeesh.

#4 - Ruby Rhod
Sometimes it’s all in the attitude, and in that division, the prize goes to The Fifth Element’s Ruby Rhod, as played by Chris Tucker in leopard print velour. Meet the 23rd century’s loudest and bitchiest radio host, firing insults out of one side of his mouth and flirting shamelessly out of the other. We honor Ruby with the number four slot for his masterful bitchy multitasking! Bzz! BZZZZZZZ!

#3 - Glorificus
We have to turn to a god to find a level of bitchiness worthy of being this high up the list. But the Mighty Thor…? Not so bitchy. Fortunately Buffy villain Glory delivers. She’s fierce. She’s gorgeous. And she gets all the good lines, specifically “…this whole ‘beat you to death’ thing I’m doing? This is valuable time out of life I’m never gonna get back.” And upon meeting Spike, “What the hell is that? And why is its hair that color?”

#2 - Veruca Salt
Subtract six points off your score if you thought we meant the band. Actually we’re thinking of Julie Dawn Cole’s 1971 immortal version of our favorite bad egg. She wants the world and she wants it now, and Daddy better damn well whip out that wallet when her foot starts stamping or Veruca’s gonna shove another Oompa Loompa. God what a frakking bitch.

#1 - Palpatine
Leave it to the Dark Lord of the Sith, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Darth Sidious to reign supreme as the all-time bitchiest character in the history of science fiction. Slumped in his regal space throne in basic black, our king of catty remarks casually gushes bitchy sarcasm all over the dramatic climax of Return of The Jedi. Maybe he wouldn’t feel the need to make so many cutting remarks about other people’s friends if he spent just a little more time on his own personality and complexion. You have paid the price for your lack of vision, you catty bitch!

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Torchwood Season 2 is almost upon us, premiering Saturday, January 26, 9:00 p.m. ET/PT on BBC America.  This is one of Angry Puppy’s favorite series, so you’ll be hearing a lot more as the premiere approaches.

In the meantime, here are some of the reasons we can’t wait until the premiere:

• Captain Jack Harkness (who we recently voted 2nd in our list of characters we most want to party with     ||      Jack and Jack Kiss via YouTube
• Toshiko Sato (played by Naoko Mori, who creeped me out as Saffy’s ever-more-insane friend Sarah on AbFab)
• The not-fully-explained relationship between Ianto and Jack
• Doctor Who crossovers
• Hot Welsh accents     ||     Dawn French’s “Catherine Spartacus Zeta Douglas Jones” parody via YouTube
• And to top it off, James Marsters (Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who also made our party list) appears in the Season 2 premiere as a rogue Time Agent

If you need to catch up, Torchwood - The Complete First Season will be available on DVD on January 22.

#10 - Hiro Nakamura
Okay so he’s not so much the biggest party animal, or, who knows, maybe he is? But for some reason our favorite sword-wielding Hero makes the list - we think maybe because anyone who can be that cheerful in the face of death would be a fun addition to any party.

#9 - Faith
Our second favorite Vampire Slayer beats out the show’s eponymous heroine thanks to a chaotic and cavalier world-view, and she’s got the moves on the dance floor to back it up. And isn’t sex always more exciting when there’s a possibility you’re going to get killed in the process - n’est ce pas, Xander? Also Buffy has not such a great track record with parties… see: various Halloween parties, frat parties, and of course most of her birthdays.

#8 - Hurley
Whether or not the party in question is on the Lost island, you can count on Hurley to bring the best snacks and provide all the best lines. Of course any normal house party is going to beat an island party featuring Dharma pretzels, ranch dressing, and stale VW bus beer, but for the wit alone we’ll take Hurley anywhere.

#7 - Hedonismbot
Possibly the only character in history who was actually designed exclusively with partying in mind. We have to imagine that the early 31st century will have been a far less fun place without everyone’s favorite gold-plated Dionysian mechano-man.

#6 - Jack Burton
It’s Han Solo as an 80’s truck driver battling ancient evil in what appears to be an underground Miami shopping mall in San Francisco’s Little China! Only Kurt Russell at his sexiest could deliver on this character who’s several kinds of big trouble and bad attitude wrapped in a tank top. And hey if he’s good enough for Kim Cattrall he’s good enough for us.

#5 - Spike
Are we thinking soulless Spike or re-ensouled Spike? Hmm… best not to answer that. Either way we’ll take the prince of the black leather duster, always ready for a good time with his flask of bourbon at the ready. We’d start the evening with a back-room card game (for kittens of course) followed by a bar brawl and a ride on the back of his hog. Mmmm, good times.

#4 - Starbuck
Sorry Dirk Benedict, we mean the new one. She can drink almost anyone under the table, and if we’re going to have to pay for an evening of debauchery with a night in the brig, we might as well spend it with the hottest person in the Colonial military. We don’t know whether or not she’s a Cylon, but the Cylons seem to have a pretty good time what with Basestars full of kinky threeways and so forth.

#3 - Bender Bending Rodriguez
And the winner of any drinking contest would of course be everyone’s favorite alcohol-fueled kleptomaniac robot, who brings the party to him, thanks to his bad attitude and seemingly bottomless chest cavity. Any evening spent hanging out with Bender means you end up with empty pockets and a splitting headache, but that’s pretty much true of any good night out and at least Bender’s likely to destroy half his surroundings in the process.

#2 - Captain Jack Harkness
But who needs the 31st century, if everyone in the 51st century is really as fun as our favorite time-traveling bisexual dude. The Doctor tells us sexuality is a non-issue for a guy who allegedly sleeps with dozens of random alien races, and from what we’ve seen he knows how to treat a guy. And a girl. And a… whatever. Sure makes us wish we were in Ianto’s shoes.

#1 - Jadzia Dax
Where to begin… Jadzia makes her own party, and with 300 years of wild experiences as both a man and a woman, JD’s seen and done it all. Let’s face it, Starfleet crews are fun to watch when they’re furiously reversing something’s polarity, but they aren’t exactly the first people we’d want at our party - actually they’d pretty much be the last, just ahead of The Lone Gunmen and C-3PO. She leaves the baggage behind in favor of whatever’s handy and fun… blood wine, dabo games, wild Klingon sex, whatever. Of course she’s too coy to own up to everything, but she’s dropped enough hints over time to add up to her being our #1 person we want to party with.

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