Angry Puppy

#14 - Vincent (Lost)
At first glance he’s nothing special. He doesn’t talk, dance, or rap, and he hasn’t saved the world (yet)…(as far as we know). But he’s survived that damn island for four seasons, which is more than we can say for over half the humans living on it during the same period of time. We sure were disappointed he didn’t turn out to be one of the Oceanic Six, so we hope he’s okay going forward.

#13 - Seymour (Futurama)
Alas, poor Seymour, we hardly new ye. Fry’s 20th-century pet only surfaced for one episode (and the odd flashback), but in that all too brief time we found out more about the life of this faithful dog than we know about any other character in this show. And to this day Michel Legrand’s “I Will Wait For You” still brings a tear to the eye.

#12 - Parappa the Rapper (Parappa the Rapper)
Parappa was one video game dog who was ahead of his time. The rapping cartoon dog busted out his moves on the first PlayStation console with his bizarre friends and wacky plot along for the ride. Today’s way more sophisticated rhythm/music games like Rock Band offer better play of course, but it was Parappa’s rad personality and unfathomably strange storylines that kept us rhymin’, yo.

#11 - Maximillion (The Bionic Woman)
Yeah, yeah, Krypto could fly. But come on, a cape? Really? Sticking out of a dog collar? Not that we’re comparing superhero sidekick dogs or anything, but, seriously, couldn’t you just be cool… like Jaime Sommers’ million dollar German Shepard. And, yeah, Max overreacts a little when someone lights a match, but we all know how Young Frankenstein ended. So, I guess we’re saying Max was really good in bed.

#10 - Brian Griffin (Family Guy)
Brian has a gay cousin, drinks martinis, and thinks his owner’s a MILF. There’s really nothing more to say. [Editor's note: When confronted with life's challenges, I ask myself, "What Would Brian Do?"]

#9 - Sparky (South Park)
It was kind of a toss-up between Sparky and the unfortunate Chihuahua who shot himself in a limo rather than live with Paris Hilton. But Sparky was voiced by the first major celebrity guest star on South Park (George Clooney) and introduced us to Big Gay Al after running away to his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. Nowadays, Sparky is cool, adjusted, and still sporting his awesome pink bandanna. And how many gay dogs had a stuffed doll made in their likeness?

#8 - Santa’s Little Helper (The Simpsons)
Good ol’ SLH is one of the most loyal dogs in the world, even if he’s not the brightest bulb. At his best he can walk on his hind legs, act as a police dog, and give restaurant reviews (the bread was too “chewy!”). He’s also probably the most lovable TV mutt, and there’s plenty of competition for that title!

#7 - Yukk! (Mighty Man and Yukk!, from The Plastic Man Comedy/Adventure Show)
Almost more of an equal partner than a sidekick, Yukk! represents the most innovative canine cartoon character, if not the most bizarre. Yukk! was the ugliest dog in the world. We, the audience, never got to see his face - just the back of his head à la Vader in The Empire Strikes Back. The world was protected from his face by the little doghouse Yukk! wore over his head, which could be lifted when things got bad and Yukk!’s horrible visage would destroy or stun anything in its path. Yukk!’s mighty sense of humor won us over, along with his penchant for storing miscellaneous sundries in his doghouse, not unlike Bender’s chest cavity or Marge Simpson’s hair.

#6 - Underdog (Underdog)
Please join us in pretending the 2007 live action film never happened, as we contemplate the quiet brilliance of the 1960’s animated series Underdog, starring a pill-popping, rhyme-talking, somewhat fey and curiously paunchy dog superhero. For those of you not familiar, his powers came from a pill that he kept in his ring. You young’uns may not be aware of this as the pill-popping scenes were regrettably edited out for the 1980’s repeats. By the way the big U was awfully funny around that Polly Purebred; was she his girlfriend or his fag hag?

#5 - Ein (Cowboy Bebop)
We salute you, mysterious anime space corgi. We were intrigued by your introduction as a “data dog” in the first episode of Cowboy Bebop, and since then have wondered why you’re so important and why so many people wanted you so badly. We’ve moved on to wondering about the extent of your enhanced intelligence and why it manifests in such oddly esoteric ways. Ein hangs out quietly behind the scenes, he knows more than he lets on, he helps out though no one knows he’s helping, and somehow, for the first time perhaps, he makes being a corgi look cool.

#4 - Ren Höek (The Ren and Stimpy Show)
“Please give me a million dollars, and a fridge with a padlock and, oh yeah, huge pectoral muscles.”

#3 - Baxter (Baxter)
It’s not so often we get to stump you lot. So, first off we want to hear from anyone who’s actually seen this frakking weird-ass French dog horror movie. Baxter’s not pure evil, he’s just misunderstood. What makes Baxter so interesting is that his naive approach to evil doesn’t hold a candle to a far more insidious, terrifying evil that lurks around suburban France. And you’ll have to watch it to find out what it is.

#2 - K-9 (Doctor Who)
He’s a box on wheels with his name printed on the side, and he talks like an electronic butler. But for some reason if you grew up on Doctor Who he was one of the most exciting characters on the show. K-9 could do almost anything, solve any problem, vanquish any villain. Oh, but he couldn’t climb stairs, a condition he shared with a number of characters on the show, including (fortunately) arch-villains The Daleks; and they were the most fearsome creatures in the universe! K-9 goes way back; after first appearing as the companion to the iconic fourth Doctor in 1977, he became the star of the first spin-off pilot (1981’s K-9 and Company), the star of a series of books, short stories, and comics. He currently has regular appearances (albeit in a bizarre writers’ holding pattern) on new spin-off The Sarah Jane Adventures and will star in a spin-off of his own, the British/Australian co-produced K-9. It’s hard to say why we love him more than sci fi contemporaries like Muffy the Daggett (see: original Battlestar Galactica), but he’s the dog we’ve always secretly wanted.

#1 - Scooby-Doo (Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!)
Once again setting aside various unfortunate modern interpretations, we find no substitute for the 1969 original. We love everyone’s favorite Great Dane (sorry Marmaduke), the world’s only van-riding, drag-wearing, half-talking, trap-setting canine sleuth. Yeah, yeah, we all like to imagine what was going on in the back of the Mystery Machine with Shaggy, so count that in his favor. Scooby was cool; the Buffy gang named themselves after him, and, of course, in our world they can do no wrong. We’d kill for that van, or the chance to chase a ghost onto a string of ball bearings into a bucket that falls into a pile of glue. And we’d get away with it if only we had that wonderful meddling dog!

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Our latest vlog episode is up at AfterElton.

Topics:

• Headlines: Caprica, Stardust, Mass Effect, Rock Band, Arthur C. Clarke and the recently Dumbledored Tom from Lost
• Funny Games, the new remake of Michael Haneke’s Austrian nerve-wrecker
• The Last House on the Left (the original, not the soon-to-come remake)
• Torchwood: “A Day in the Death” and “Something Borrowed”
• South Park: “Britney’s New Look”

And be sure to join us on Facebook, where you can meet other people who inexplicably sit through these vlog episodes. (Thanks for the reminder, Ron!)

I was as surprised as you to read that 20th Century Fox has trademarked the term “Slurm” to cover:

“carbonated and non-carbonated soft drinks; fruit drinks; fruit juices; mineral and aerated water; bottled drinking water; energy drinks; syrups and powders for making soft drinks and other beverages, namely soft drinks, fruit drinks and tea; coffee-flavored soft drinks; Ramune (Japanese soda pops); powders used in the preparation of isotonic sports drinks and sports beverages.” [From Trademork via BoingBoing]

It’s a great idea for a promotion of the new Futurama movies, but I can’t wait to see how the marketing department handles the secret ingredient.

That got me thinking about other great fake products from the shows, series and movies we love. Most of these are parodies of marketing, and, sadly, they’re not too far off from what we actually see on the TV screen these days. Thank the gods for DVRs!

#10 - Duff Beer (The Simpsons)
Duff is the classic in-universe product. Over The Simpsons‘ multi-millenium run, the brew has spawned Duffman, Suds McDuff, Duff Dry, Duff Lite, Duff Gardens and even the rival Fudd Beer. While several people have capitalized on the Duff name to market real beer, I always imagined that Duff would taste something like weak Bud Light. Perhaps it’s best left in the imagination.

#9 - Apollo Bars (Lost)
Frankly I don’t know that much about them except that they looked like the best thing in the world when Kate tore into one in the bunker. Of course, she’d been eating fish and papaya for about a month, so even soy nuts probably would have been a refreshing change, but in that first moment I wanted nothing more than to visit their fake web site and order up a case of fake candy.

#8 - Slusho! (Alias, Cloverfield)
Speaking of Lost, Slusho!, made with an ingredient discovered on the deep ocean floor, has appeared in the viral marketing of several JJ Abrams projects, but has yet to appear on the island. Unless, of course, we missed it, which is unlikely since we’ve even started pausing to read what’s written on the bottom of DHARMA’s old dishes.

Even the non-Abrams, Heroes heroes are starting to suspect something about this “innocent” drink.

#7 - Stummies (Brain Candy)
Technically not so much a treat as what you take when you’ve had too many treats, Stummies were like Tums in candy form in the The Kids in the Hall’s 1996 film Brain Candy. Roritor Pharmaceuticals coasted on the success of the delicious looking drug for years; their conference room proffers an abundance of the product heaped in bowls and sorted by color. We all know branding is probably responsible for at least half of any product’s success, so here’s to the best named fake product in fake product history.

#6 - Cheesy Poofs (South Park)

I love Cheesy Poofs.
You love Cheesy Poofs.
If we didn’t eat Cheesy Poofs,
we’d be lame.

#5 - Slurm (Futurama)
So what if the secret ingredient is worm secretions? Slurms Mackenzie (yeah, another Spuds reference) says, “It’s highly addictive!” We’ll take a six-pack.

#4 - Fruity Oaty Bars (Serenity)
If it’s good enough to turn Summer Glau into the Terminatrix, it’s good enough for us. And the promo is almost as weird as a real Japanese commercial!

#3 - Powdered Toast (Ren & Stimpy)
It may simply be a commentary on America’s just-add-water culture of convenience (or on silly superheroes), but we want some Powdered Toast anyway. With a side of yak shaving scum.

#2 - Bertie Botts’ Every Flavour Beans (Harry Potter)
Of the many fake products in the Harry Potter universe, none capture its glorious dichotomy of childlike wonder and dark wit as well as Bert’s awesome candies. While anyone can make a delicious treat, very few confectioners deliberately introduce the element of risk quite to the degree as these snacks. Bite into one, and you never know if you’ll be rewarded with caramel, strawberry, curry, chocolate, baked beans, marmalade, tripe, grass, earwax, or vomit.

In the larger philosophical picture, we know that we only savor life because of the knowledge of death, pain helps define pleasure, hate articulates love, and so forth. So could any candy taste sweeter than one that really makes you appreciate how fortunate you are to be rewarded with a pleasant flavor? I haven’t appreciated any confection so metaphysically since Monty Python’s “Crunchy Frog” sketch. In fact, I can’t help but wonder whether Rowling’s introduction of magical chocolate frogs isn’t in itself a subtle homage to a great (and hilarious) concept.

#1 - Brawndo (Idiocracy)
We don’t know what electrolytes do, but Brawndo’s got ‘em.

In Idiocracy’s dystopic world full of morons, this thirst mutilator replaces water as the crop irrigation liquid of choice. After all, water is found in toilets, and you don’t see any plants in your toilet, do you?

And don’t you want to feel awesome, like you just had sex with a tractor in a parking lot?

How about your favorite fake treats? Did we miss anything?

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We could go on and on about South Park’s resident leather daddy and everyone’s favorite bottom. But let us not overlook the greatest action figure accessories EVER!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Mr. Slave action figure comes with Lemmiwinks, Cattatafish, and the Frog Prince. If you don’t know who Lemmiwinks is then you haven’t seen the South Park Season 6 episode “Death Camp of Tolerance” (which you should be rushing out to buy right now instead of sitting here reading this).

Mr. Slave is quite fetching in his black leather chaps, vest and cap. His low-cut tank top affords a lovely view of his abundant chest hair.

Mr. Slave looks distraught. As well he should; sadly there’s no option to return Cattatafish and the Frog Prince to their rightful home. While Slave’s intolerance of himself won’t earn him a place in the Museum of Tolerance, it does afford him a home in the Gallery of Gay Action Figures.

#10 - Terrance and Phillip
This fart-centric Canadian import, which once started a war between the United States and Canada and almost caused a premature apocalypse on Earth, is also the favorite TV show of South Park residents Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. The show disappoints somewhat in that it never really seemed to have aspirations (or too many… pun intended), though we can’t overlook the genius of the spin-off movie that gave us the classic song “Uncle Fucka”.

#9 - Exposé
Although this fake series was extremely short-lived, we relished the moment when Nikki flashed back from the Lost island to the time she was working on this trashy detective series which Hurley described as, “Like Baywatch only better.” The fact that we were introduced to this fake show in the same episode that saw the demise of Nikki and Paulo only helped warm our feelings towards it.

#8 - Bobcat or Björk
That’s Bobcat as in Goldthwaite and Björk as in Guðmundsdóttir, the Icelandic songstress who could be included on either our top geek bands or favorite nutjobs lists if the parameters were slightly changed. This Family Guy game show poses the question “is this Björk singing or the rantings of former comedian Bobcat Goldthwait?” Sounds more like Bill Cosby to me.

#7 - Ow, My Balls!
Idiocracy wins the prize for Most Stupid Brilliant Social Commentary contained in any one movie. Case in point, the popular comedy(?) series Ow, My Balls!, which is pretty much what you’re thinking, only really well produced. If you enjoy balls that are getting things rammed into and/or clamped onto them, such as phone cables, brick walls and angry dogs, then this is the fake show for you.

#6 - Manger Babies
This brainchild of not-so-brainy Luanne Platter, niece of King of The Hill’s Hank Hill, is hands down our favorite fake, Christian-themed puppet show. The show’s eponymous subjects, who were present at the birth of Jesus, include Obadiah the Donkey, Hosea the Cat, Sir Reginald Featherbottom the Third (a British bird), and an octopus for some reason. Sunday school was never this bizarre and esoteric.

#5 - The Edison Carter Show
In our opinion, it’s the best show on Network 23, the fictional network that’s home to intrepid reporter Edison Carter and his digital alter ego Max Headroom (both played by Matt Frewer who was cast as Moloch in the upcoming film version of Watchmen - yay!) But we digress; Max Headroom’s very dark and moody cyberpunk world is ruled by competing television networks who make instant program decisions based on ratings every minute. It’s amazing Edison’s good-for-you brand of television journalism lasted as long as it did.

#4 - Invitation To Love
Several residents of Twin Peaks were fans of this daily soap opera, which often played as both a parody of the soap opera genre and of parent series Twin Peaks itself. The most interesting thing about Invitation To Love was that its storylines reflected the plot lines of Twin Peaks, and if you paid attention you might identify clues and hints of events to come.

#3 - The Itchy & Scratchy Show

“They fight and bite
And fight and bite and fight
Fight fight fight, bite bite bite
The Itchy & Scratchy Show!”

If you’ve never seen The Itchy & Scratchy Show, we don’t want to know you.

#2 - Cookie Party
How do we begin to extol the virtues of Cookie Party, our favorite fake competitive reality series and favorite program of Sarah Silverman and her sister on The Sarah Silverman Program. The weekly show is hosted by trans southern belle Mini Coffee and her puppet friends, who oversee a wild competition between two teams of two, each trying to make the best cookie.

#1 - Everybody Loves Hypnotoad
Do not change the channel. Do not leave the room. Keep your eyes on the Hypnotoad. The cast of Futurama loves Hypnotoad. All your friends love Hypnotoad. You love Hypnotoad. There is no greater television program on any planet nor in any century.

(The all-time best Hypnotoad episode comes as an extra on the Futurama: Bender’s Big Score DVD, and it’s almost as good as the main feature. Seriously.)

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