Angry Puppy

No, it’s not any sort of gay pun. We’re really just cleaning out the closet to make room for some new stuff we’ll be reviewing in the next few weeks. [Angry Puppy Episode 35]

In between the hilarious cleaning scenes, we talk about:

• Star Wars: The Force Unleashed
• Spore
• Murder Party
• Iron Man DVD features
• The Making of Me: John Barrowman
• Fringe “Pilot” and “The Same Old Story”
• Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles “Samson and Delilah” and “Automatic for the People”
• Sandworms of Dune
• Hellblazer “The Laughing Magician”
• Plus, the answer to last week’s Mystery Geek Challenge!

We put together this list of our 15 favorite witches and noticed that (with a few exceptions like Julien Mayfair) most of our honorees are actually just powerful women trying to make their way in a man’s world. Misunderstandings, misinformation and misogyny might be responsible, but we’re glad these characters exist to give us so many hours of entertainment. Honorable mention goes to Baba Yaga from Russian folklore and Tabitha from Passions (because, well, because of Spike.)

#15 - Yubaba (Spirited Away, voiced by Mari Natsuki [Japanese], Suzanne Pleshette [English])

At first glance, Yubaba seems like your typical evil witch. But as the story progresses, you realize that, no, she’s just a sensible business woman, trying to keep her bathhouse running despite the appearance of stink spirits, ravenous wraiths and whiny little girls on coming-of-age journeys. And we might add that she has some fairly spry moves for an old woman with a head the size of a small elephant.

#14 - Witch Hazel (Looney Tunes, voiced by Bea Benaderet and June Foray)

For starters, she aspires to be the ugliest witch of all, she provided inspiration for William Shakespeare, and she eats kids. And then there’s the cackling and the thing with the hair pins. That never got old.

#13 - Azkadellia (Tin Man, portrayed by Kathleen Robertson)

The wicked witch of the Tin Man universe, Sci Fi Channel’s recent reinvention of The Wizard of Oz, wins hands down in the style department. We’re not sure where she shops but we suspect it might be somewhere in BioShock’s Rapture City. Aside from being gorgeous, stylish, and wicked evil, her special talent alone lands her a coveted spot on our list: we highly doubt anyone else on this list has the ability to send forth flying monkeys from their bosoms.

#12 - The Scarlet Witch (The Avengers)

Zatanna looks cooler and Magik has a sword, but Magneto’s favorite daughter wins in the wacky talent department. She started out with the ability to manipulate probability (which, in itself, is fun), but upgraded more recently to manipulate reality enough to spark massive crossover stories. Plus she married a robot and was brought up by a cow. Cool.

#11 - Lamia (Stardust, portrayed by Michelle Pfeiffer)

The first of two Michelle Pfeiffer witches in our list is Lamia from the under-appreciated Stardust, based on Neil Gaiman’s novel of the same name. Lamia masters both the cackling, old crone and the tempting, young vamp, sometimes simultaneously. Is there any movie Michelle Pfeiffer can’t save? (Oh, yeah. Wolf.)

#10 - The Witches of Eastwick (The Witches of Eastwick, portrayed by Michelle Pfeiffer, Susan Sarandon, and Cher)

Cherries anyone?

#9 - Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Paige (Charmed, portrayed by Shannen Doherty, Holly Marie Combs, Alyssa Milano and Rose McGowan)

OK, so the morality of the show is not complex and the writers seem to forget basic plot points from season to season. But it’s like 90210 - with witches! Let’s put aside the revolving eye candy and simple plot lines for a moment. There’s enough drama backstage that you don’t even really need to watch any episodes. Shannen Doherty’s friend Holly Marie Combs shows up to the audition and gets cast in a leading role. Ms. Doherty herself leaves after a few seasons because of problems on the set (read: tensions with Alyssa Milano) and is replaced by the hottest woman on the planet, Rose McGowan.  Oh, and I think there’s some supernatural stuff that happens on the show too.

#8 - Endora (Bewitched, portrayed by Agnes Moorehead)

Does this really need an explanation?

#7 - Miss Price (Bedknobs and Broomsticks, portrayed by Angela Lansbury)

Treguna Mekoides and Trecorum Satis Dee! Oh, why couldn’t Miss Price dance into our childhood, all dancing and singing and talking to cartoon fish and making suits of armor parade around to attack Nazis? Glinda is supposed to be the preferred childhood witch of choice for us gays, but somehow floating around in a bubble and a party dress failed to impress us. We’ll take Angela Lansbury dropping in and flying our bed to cartoon land to play soccer with the lions any day. Note: as much as that sounds like some kind of naughty and very weird euphemism, we can assure you it’s meant to be taken literally.

#6 - Mad Hettie & Thessaly (Vertigo comics)

We love the witches of the Vertigo/Sandman universe. Whether you know Mad Hettie from the pages of Hellblazer or Sandman, you can’t help but love the batty old queen of Compton Street, even if she does smell like a storm drain. And as mad as Hettie is, she’s a pixie compared to Thessaly. Sure, Thessaly was a good deal responsible for the death of the dream king but by the end of that story who wasn’t? We love her cold efficiency and take-charge attitude; just don’t ever date her. Or release psychic ravens out of your chest cavity to poison her dreams. She hates that.

#5 - Elphaba (Wicked)

An atheist, animal rights activist who gets written up by history as a wicked witch. Surprised?

#4 - The Blair Witch (The Blair Witch Project)

We still don’t know what the deal is with the Blair Witch. Is it because we didn’t bother with the sequel? In any case Blair (as we like to call her) wins the scary witch award for totally freaking us out. It’s a decade later and we’re still unnerved every time we see someone standing in a corner.

#3 - Willow, Tara and Amy (the Buffyverse)

Long-time readers: Aha! Willow’s not number 1! New readers: See here.

#2 - The Mayfair Witches (Lives of the Mayfair Witches trilogy)

Witches! Intrigue! Architecture! Ignore the fact that this trilogy becomes a bodice-ripper every 13 pages or so, and this will be one of your favorite witchy series.

#1 - The Bene Gesserit (the Dune novels)

They’ve been around for millennia, and thanks to their inherited memories, they haven’t forgotten a thing. They manage a rockin’ breeding program, mastered the always entertaining power of Voice, and carry around an internal catalog of hilarious STDs that they can release at will on people they don’t like. Sure, when nobody else answers the call it’s the Bene Gesserit looking out for the future of the human race, but more importantly even tens of thousands of years in the future the BG continue to successfully reinvent basic black.

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With the occasional exception (e.g. Superman: Red Son, Justice League: The New Frontier) I’m not generally a Batman-fan or Batfan, if you will. It looks like I’ll be adding Batman: Gotham Knight to that exception list, though.

This six-story anthology takes place between the events of 2005’s Batman Begins and this summer’s The Dark Knight. Each story has its own art style and writer, including Brian Azzarello (who coincidentally wrote many of my favorite Hellblazers) and Josh Olson. As it happens, Olson is also writing the script for Todd McFarlane’s revisionist version of L. Frank Baum’s Oz stories. Judging by McFarlane’s Twisted Land of Oz collection from 2003, this is going to be considerably darker than the original concept or other revisions like Gregory Maguire’s Wicked. Here’s McFarlane’s Dorothy with some cute little Munchkins:

On Gotham Knight, Olson says:

Just because it’s a cartoon, and because of the nature of the story, I wanted to do the one thing you’d never see in a Batman segment: a decapitation. I was so happy they let me keep it. I thought, “I’ve gotta get it in there.” The director did such a beautiful job. Batman never kills anyone. I wanted to have him do something really grotesquely inappropriate, and yet get the point across that Batman never kills. That was fun … very dark fun.

This sounds like my kind of Batman. Look for it on DVD, Blu-ray and online on July 8. Until then, here are some images, courtesy of our friends at Warner Bros.

“Batman Gotham Knight” (c) Warner Bros. Ent Inc.
“Batman” and all related characters and elements are trademarks of and
(c) DC Comics. All Rights Reserved.

Constantine came on FX the other night, and I re-watched it, pretending that it had nothing to do with Hellblazer. Viewed through that lens, it’s not so bad, but it still falls in my dead zone: neither good enough to sit through nor bad enough to laugh through. And in the interest of full disclosure, I admit that I failed to disassociate it from the comic series. I mean, come on! It’s John Constantine, innit!

I’d love to hear from people who think otherwise (it’s so subjective), but I found this Constantine more tiresome than compelling. A suicide-induced Flatliners moment damned him, and now, like some two-bit exorcist, he goes door to door sending errant demons back to Hell to curry God’s favor (yawn) so he can get into heaven. Hey! Isn’t that almost the plot of Reaper? Where’s the nuance from the comics?

Fortunately for you, me and everyone we know, Tilda Swinton has a habit of making otherwise meh movies worth watching. Here she is as the wonderfully androgynous archangel Gabriel:

John Constantine, Tilda Swinton in hooker pants kicking Keanu Reeves’ ass, and, hey, it’s even got boy-of-the-moment Shia LeBeouf as Chas… How could it have gone so wrong?

We’ve made it clear that we think Keanu Reeves as Constantine is some of the worst casting ever. Re-watch the clip above and imagine the same lines acted as if they were based on any version of John Constantine from the comics. Not so bad, right? But that faux-intense effect that Mr. Reeves uses kills any affection and respect I had for the character.

I’m not savvy enough to discern if that’s a fault of the acting or the directing, but here’s director Francis Lawrence’s IMDB entry. It’s impressive in its own right, but there’s not much in the way of turning other successful dark comic series into films.

As we said in the vlog, don’t enter the Hellblazer universe though this movie. As an alternative, I’ve put some of my favorite TPBs in this handy Amazon widget.

I’d love to hear your recommendations. And I especially want to hear from those who liked Constantine the film. John Constantine is too close to my heart for me to be truly objective, and I’m open to hearing what good things I might have missed in the movie.

Despite crippling (OK, irritating) sickness, our latest episode is up at AfterElton. If you’re in the New York area, you know that the pollen count is outrageous, but I drugged myself up enough to join Marc in bringing you:

• Headlines: (NewNowNext Awards highlights; X-Men: OC Edition?; Gayest Grand Theft Auto ever?; Matt Damon’s quaint ideas on gaming; Whip-Snap’s comeback; Words you never wanted to hear John Barrowman say)
• John Constantine, Hellblazer: Where to begin?
• Battlestar Galactica: “The Road Less Traveled”
• Lost: “Something Nice Back Home”
• Doctor Who: “The Fires of Pompeii”
• Reaper: “Coming to Grips”
• Blacula: Pioneers in cinematic gay vampirism
• List: The Hot Geek 10
• Shameless plug: Lee’s new LGBT music vlog Homophonic
• And the return of MYSTERY GEEK CHALLENGE

Oh, and here’s a sample of Planet Unicorn which we mention in the headlines: