#14 - Vincent (Lost)
At first glance he’s nothing special. He doesn’t talk, dance, or rap, and he hasn’t saved the world (yet)…(as far as we know). But he’s survived that damn island for four seasons, which is more than we can say for over half the humans living on it during the same period of time. We sure were disappointed he didn’t turn out to be one of the Oceanic Six, so we hope he’s okay going forward.
#13 - Seymour (Futurama)
Alas, poor Seymour, we hardly new ye. Fry’s 20th-century pet only surfaced for one episode (and the odd flashback), but in that all too brief time we found out more about the life of this faithful dog than we know about any other character in this show. And to this day Michel Legrand’s “I Will Wait For You” still brings a tear to the eye.
#12 - Parappa the Rapper (Parappa the Rapper)
Parappa was one video game dog who was ahead of his time. The rapping cartoon dog busted out his moves on the first PlayStation console with his bizarre friends and wacky plot along for the ride. Today’s way more sophisticated rhythm/music games like Rock Band offer better play of course, but it was Parappa’s rad personality and unfathomably strange storylines that kept us rhymin’, yo.
#11 - Maximillion (The Bionic Woman)
Yeah, yeah, Krypto could fly. But come on, a cape? Really? Sticking out of a dog collar? Not that we’re comparing superhero sidekick dogs or anything, but, seriously, couldn’t you just be cool… like Jaime Sommers’ million dollar German Shepard. And, yeah, Max overreacts a little when someone lights a match, but we all know how Young Frankenstein ended. So, I guess we’re saying Max was really good in bed.
#10 - Brian Griffin (Family Guy)
Brian has a gay cousin, drinks martinis, and thinks his owner’s a MILF. There’s really nothing more to say. [Editor's note: When confronted with life's challenges, I ask myself, "What Would Brian Do?"]
#9 - Sparky (South Park)
It was kind of a toss-up between Sparky and the unfortunate Chihuahua who shot himself in a limo rather than live with Paris Hilton. But Sparky was voiced by the first major celebrity guest star on South Park (George Clooney) and introduced us to Big Gay Al after running away to his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. Nowadays, Sparky is cool, adjusted, and still sporting his awesome pink bandanna. And how many gay dogs had a stuffed doll made in their likeness?
#8 - Santa’s Little Helper (The Simpsons)
Good ol’ SLH is one of the most loyal dogs in the world, even if he’s not the brightest bulb. At his best he can walk on his hind legs, act as a police dog, and give restaurant reviews (the bread was too “chewy!”). He’s also probably the most lovable TV mutt, and there’s plenty of competition for that title!
#7 - Yukk! (Mighty Man and Yukk!, from The Plastic Man Comedy/Adventure Show)
Almost more of an equal partner than a sidekick, Yukk! represents the most innovative canine cartoon character, if not the most bizarre. Yukk! was the ugliest dog in the world. We, the audience, never got to see his face - just the back of his head à la Vader in The Empire Strikes Back. The world was protected from his face by the little doghouse Yukk! wore over his head, which could be lifted when things got bad and Yukk!’s horrible visage would destroy or stun anything in its path. Yukk!’s mighty sense of humor won us over, along with his penchant for storing miscellaneous sundries in his doghouse, not unlike Bender’s chest cavity or Marge Simpson’s hair.
#6 - Underdog (Underdog)
Please join us in pretending the 2007 live action film never happened, as we contemplate the quiet brilliance of the 1960’s animated series Underdog, starring a pill-popping, rhyme-talking, somewhat fey and curiously paunchy dog superhero. For those of you not familiar, his powers came from a pill that he kept in his ring. You young’uns may not be aware of this as the pill-popping scenes were regrettably edited out for the 1980’s repeats. By the way the big U was awfully funny around that Polly Purebred; was she his girlfriend or his fag hag?
#5 - Ein (Cowboy Bebop)
We salute you, mysterious anime space corgi. We were intrigued by your introduction as a “data dog” in the first episode of Cowboy Bebop, and since then have wondered why you’re so important and why so many people wanted you so badly. We’ve moved on to wondering about the extent of your enhanced intelligence and why it manifests in such oddly esoteric ways. Ein hangs out quietly behind the scenes, he knows more than he lets on, he helps out though no one knows he’s helping, and somehow, for the first time perhaps, he makes being a corgi look cool.
#4 - Ren Höek (The Ren and Stimpy Show)
“Please give me a million dollars, and a fridge with a padlock and, oh yeah, huge pectoral muscles.”
#3 - Baxter (Baxter)
It’s not so often we get to stump you lot. So, first off we want to hear from anyone who’s actually seen this frakking weird-ass French dog horror movie. Baxter’s not pure evil, he’s just misunderstood. What makes Baxter so interesting is that his naive approach to evil doesn’t hold a candle to a far more insidious, terrifying evil that lurks around suburban France. And you’ll have to watch it to find out what it is.
#2 - K-9 (Doctor Who)
He’s a box on wheels with his name printed on the side, and he talks like an electronic butler. But for some reason if you grew up on Doctor Who he was one of the most exciting characters on the show. K-9 could do almost anything, solve any problem, vanquish any villain. Oh, but he couldn’t climb stairs, a condition he shared with a number of characters on the show, including (fortunately) arch-villains The Daleks; and they were the most fearsome creatures in the universe! K-9 goes way back; after first appearing as the companion to the iconic fourth Doctor in 1977, he became the star of the first spin-off pilot (1981’s K-9 and Company), the star of a series of books, short stories, and comics. He currently has regular appearances (albeit in a bizarre writers’ holding pattern) on new spin-off The Sarah Jane Adventures and will star in a spin-off of his own, the British/Australian co-produced K-9. It’s hard to say why we love him more than sci fi contemporaries like Muffy the Daggett (see: original Battlestar Galactica), but he’s the dog we’ve always secretly wanted.
#1 - Scooby-Doo (Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!)
Once again setting aside various unfortunate modern interpretations, we find no substitute for the 1969 original. We love everyone’s favorite Great Dane (sorry Marmaduke), the world’s only van-riding, drag-wearing, half-talking, trap-setting canine sleuth. Yeah, yeah, we all like to imagine what was going on in the back of the Mystery Machine with Shaggy, so count that in his favor. Scooby was cool; the Buffy gang named themselves after him, and, of course, in our world they can do no wrong. We’d kill for that van, or the chance to chase a ghost onto a string of ball bearings into a bucket that falls into a pile of glue. And we’d get away with it if only we had that wonderful meddling dog!
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