Angry Puppy

I was as surprised as you to read that 20th Century Fox has trademarked the term “Slurm” to cover:

“carbonated and non-carbonated soft drinks; fruit drinks; fruit juices; mineral and aerated water; bottled drinking water; energy drinks; syrups and powders for making soft drinks and other beverages, namely soft drinks, fruit drinks and tea; coffee-flavored soft drinks; Ramune (Japanese soda pops); powders used in the preparation of isotonic sports drinks and sports beverages.” [From Trademork via BoingBoing]

It’s a great idea for a promotion of the new Futurama movies, but I can’t wait to see how the marketing department handles the secret ingredient.

That got me thinking about other great fake products from the shows, series and movies we love. Most of these are parodies of marketing, and, sadly, they’re not too far off from what we actually see on the TV screen these days. Thank the gods for DVRs!

#10 - Duff Beer (The Simpsons)
Duff is the classic in-universe product. Over The Simpsons‘ multi-millenium run, the brew has spawned Duffman, Suds McDuff, Duff Dry, Duff Lite, Duff Gardens and even the rival Fudd Beer. While several people have capitalized on the Duff name to market real beer, I always imagined that Duff would taste something like weak Bud Light. Perhaps it’s best left in the imagination.

#9 - Apollo Bars (Lost)
Frankly I don’t know that much about them except that they looked like the best thing in the world when Kate tore into one in the bunker. Of course, she’d been eating fish and papaya for about a month, so even soy nuts probably would have been a refreshing change, but in that first moment I wanted nothing more than to visit their fake web site and order up a case of fake candy.

#8 - Slusho! (Alias, Cloverfield)
Speaking of Lost, Slusho!, made with an ingredient discovered on the deep ocean floor, has appeared in the viral marketing of several JJ Abrams projects, but has yet to appear on the island. Unless, of course, we missed it, which is unlikely since we’ve even started pausing to read what’s written on the bottom of DHARMA’s old dishes.

Even the non-Abrams, Heroes heroes are starting to suspect something about this “innocent” drink.

#7 - Stummies (Brain Candy)
Technically not so much a treat as what you take when you’ve had too many treats, Stummies were like Tums in candy form in the The Kids in the Hall’s 1996 film Brain Candy. Roritor Pharmaceuticals coasted on the success of the delicious looking drug for years; their conference room proffers an abundance of the product heaped in bowls and sorted by color. We all know branding is probably responsible for at least half of any product’s success, so here’s to the best named fake product in fake product history.

#6 - Cheesy Poofs (South Park)

I love Cheesy Poofs.
You love Cheesy Poofs.
If we didn’t eat Cheesy Poofs,
we’d be lame.

#5 - Slurm (Futurama)
So what if the secret ingredient is worm secretions? Slurms Mackenzie (yeah, another Spuds reference) says, “It’s highly addictive!” We’ll take a six-pack.

#4 - Fruity Oaty Bars (Serenity)
If it’s good enough to turn Summer Glau into the Terminatrix, it’s good enough for us. And the promo is almost as weird as a real Japanese commercial!

#3 - Powdered Toast (Ren & Stimpy)
It may simply be a commentary on America’s just-add-water culture of convenience (or on silly superheroes), but we want some Powdered Toast anyway. With a side of yak shaving scum.

#2 - Bertie Botts’ Every Flavour Beans (Harry Potter)
Of the many fake products in the Harry Potter universe, none capture its glorious dichotomy of childlike wonder and dark wit as well as Bert’s awesome candies. While anyone can make a delicious treat, very few confectioners deliberately introduce the element of risk quite to the degree as these snacks. Bite into one, and you never know if you’ll be rewarded with caramel, strawberry, curry, chocolate, baked beans, marmalade, tripe, grass, earwax, or vomit.

In the larger philosophical picture, we know that we only savor life because of the knowledge of death, pain helps define pleasure, hate articulates love, and so forth. So could any candy taste sweeter than one that really makes you appreciate how fortunate you are to be rewarded with a pleasant flavor? I haven’t appreciated any confection so metaphysically since Monty Python’s “Crunchy Frog” sketch. In fact, I can’t help but wonder whether Rowling’s introduction of magical chocolate frogs isn’t in itself a subtle homage to a great (and hilarious) concept.

#1 - Brawndo (Idiocracy)
We don’t know what electrolytes do, but Brawndo’s got ‘em.

In Idiocracy’s dystopic world full of morons, this thirst mutilator replaces water as the crop irrigation liquid of choice. After all, water is found in toilets, and you don’t see any plants in your toilet, do you?

And don’t you want to feel awesome, like you just had sex with a tractor in a parking lot?

How about your favorite fake treats? Did we miss anything?

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