Angry Puppy

Contrary to all scientific research to the contrary, there are certain movies that, if you watch them often enough, will make you gay. It’s a fact. Try it with your friends.

In the why-did-my-parents-let-me-watch-this subcategory is the forgotten franchise about mutant babies: It’s Alive, It Lives Again, and Island of the Alive.

In It’s Alive, the cheerful couple are expecting their second child. Once in the hospital, we hear blood-curdling screams from the delivery room. Cut to shots of murdered doctors and nurses, most with claw marks at the neck.

“There’s only one thing wrong with the Davis baby… It’s Alive!”

The most striking thing about this movie is that no one seems the least bit surprised or concerned about what’s happening, though they do casually lament high radiation levels and chemicals in food.  “Hunting and killing babies doesn’t seem to be my specialty,” quips the lieutenant.

Your humble reporter says the true hero of the film is the gay-uncle-type guy who gives up his valuable gay time to take care of the older son during all of this carnage.

The Moral:
Go gay if you want to avoid fang-babies.

Netflix

“It’s feeding time! This enjoyable schlock centers on an all-American middle-aged couple, the Davies (John P. Ryan and Sharon Farrell), who want to have one more child in addition to their 11-year-old son. When the big day arrives, however, the Davies’ baby turns out to be a mutated monster that kills when it’s scared … which is pretty much all the time. Think Rosemary’s Baby but more graphically gruesome (and funny!).”