Ten Bitchiest Sci Fi Characters

Full disclosure: we’re not very good at being gays. We dress bad. We don’t like musicals. Only one of us is into Madonna (and we won’t say which one). But we love a snappy put-down and adore super bitchy, sassy characters, especially the ones in sci fi. We love the ones in horror films too but they tend to lead short screen lives and are fairly interchangeable, so for this list we look to our favorite sci fi tv, film, and comic characters.

#10 - Albert Rosenfield
Agent Rosenfield’s verbal onslaught in the Twin Peaks Sheriff’s Department goes down in TV history as one of the most gloriously mean-spirited, and yet so well-written.  To Sheriff Truman: “Aw look, it’s trying to think”. To good-natured deputy Andy: “Where do they keep your water bowl?” And he takes the second best punch in the face on television (right after Edina Monsoon’s facial assault on Saffy’s creepy, adulterous college professor).

#9 - Princess Vespa
Honestly it was a toss-up between her and her gold-plated sidekick and fellow Spaceball-fugitive Dot Matrix. In the end it came down to a question of volume, and Vespa is considerably louder. It takes a lot of chutzpah to badmouth your rescuers, and Vespa pulls it off, all the while channeling early Carrie Fisher at her most arrogant - pretty impressive your highness! Funny… she doesn’t look Druish.

#8 - Kai Winn
Of all the Star Trek incarnations, it’s Deep Space Nine that gave us our most favorite characters. It’s always a pleasure to see Louise Fletcher’s name in the opening credits because that means we’re getting a visit from Kai Winn Adami, our favorite sleazy religious leader / politician. Fletcher is a master of the subtle delivery, and it’s her deadpan tone and condescending smirk that worm their way into our nasty little hearts.

#7 - Eros
Who? Exactly… Those of you who sat through Plan 9 From Outer Space were eventually rewarded with one of the most inexplicably bizarre performances of the film, which is really saying a lot. Eros is the dude in the shiny space blouse who delivers entertaining physics lessons punctuated by bitchy rants featuring outbursts like “You see? You see? Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!” While we’re not entirely sure what’s going on with this guy, we can’t help but wonder what or who Dudley Manlove (yup) was thinking about when he channeled his frustration into these lines.

#6 - Emma Frost
The comics world’s poster child of bitchiness, and just a couple feathers away from achieving drag queen status, Emma Frost, aka The White Queen, is the former super-villain turned current X-man. Or X-person. Whatever the case, we couldn’t be happier with Joss Whedon’s run, under whose pen she delivered memorable lines like “Jean Grey is a sacred cow. At least we agree on half of that,” and, “Superpowers, a scintillating wit and the best body money can buy…and I still rate below a corpse.”

#5 - Dolores Umbridge
There are only so many literary characters that can really make us cringe, and Imelda Staunton’s flawless portrayal of the racist bureaucrat-turned-Defence against the Dark Arts teacher last year made us want to crawl under the theater seats. Umbridge’s endless manipulative rules, her haughty pissy demeanor, and those cutting quills - sick sick sick! Just picturing her is like nails on some kind of magic chalkboard… yeeesh.

#4 - Ruby Rhod
Sometimes it’s all in the attitude, and in that division, the prize goes to The Fifth Element’s Ruby Rhod, as played by Chris Tucker in leopard print velour. Meet the 23rd century’s loudest and bitchiest radio host, firing insults out of one side of his mouth and flirting shamelessly out of the other. We honor Ruby with the number four slot for his masterful bitchy multitasking! Bzz! BZZZZZZZ!

#3 - Glorificus
We have to turn to a god to find a level of bitchiness worthy of being this high up the list. But the Mighty Thor…? Not so bitchy. Fortunately Buffy villain Glory delivers. She’s fierce. She’s gorgeous. And she gets all the good lines, specifically “…this whole ‘beat you to death’ thing I’m doing? This is valuable time out of life I’m never gonna get back.” And upon meeting Spike, “What the hell is that? And why is its hair that color?”

#2 - Veruca Salt
Subtract six points off your score if you thought we meant the band. Actually we’re thinking of Julie Dawn Cole’s 1971 immortal version of our favorite bad egg. She wants the world and she wants it now, and Daddy better damn well whip out that wallet when her foot starts stamping or Veruca’s gonna shove another Oompa Loompa. God what a frakking bitch.

#1 - Palpatine
Leave it to the Dark Lord of the Sith, Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Darth Sidious to reign supreme as the all-time bitchiest character in the history of science fiction. Slumped in his regal space throne in basic black, our king of catty remarks casually gushes bitchy sarcasm all over the dramatic climax of Return of The Jedi. Maybe he wouldn’t feel the need to make so many cutting remarks about other people’s friends if he spent just a little more time on his own personality and complexion. You have paid the price for your lack of vision, you catty bitch!

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